Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Worry NOTS and Prayer Knots

My world has flipped and finally righted itself again.

Sorry it's been so long between posts. I had plenty to write about only nothing I wanted to divulge and make real to me by excepting the reality and putting it into words. I've fought the battle and by Gods grace have came out on top somehow. I've often felt that I didn't deserve to be saved and healed, I pray a lot but I don't go to church...maybe someday. My relationship is more conversations with God. I talk with him whenever I feel the need. I hear sirens...I pray for all involved. A friend or family comes to me with problems, I give it to him. My faith is what gets me through. I probably drive him crazy at times.
 Since 2003 I have known that something was wrong and with each new symptom I ran to Dr. after Dr. to find answers. All to no avail. Each treated something and none really changed the deep seated fear within that they were going to kill me trying to cure me. I have auto immune disorders (Plural) sigh, which make me sensitive to drugs and I have so many that I can't tolerate that I can't even remember them. Still I felt like crap.
  I wasted 5-6 years at one office. All to hear the famous last words "I don't know what your so worried about it's not Cancer" It was Cancer. I had Lymphoma people with Sjogrens Syndrome are prone to it.
  I feared the worst being the worrier that I am. Knowing full well that positive thoughts beget positive results. I have worried all my life about cancer. My Mother died early from it as did her Mother. My Father died at the very age I am now form cancer also. My outlook was bleak. Can you see where I'm going? Maybe in the back of my mind I never really felt I'd live a long life either.
 By the Grace of God I am here today, Celebrating with each and every Dr. visit to the Oncologist DR. Bud My numbers have been in good normal range and in remission. I give him and my Doctor all the glory. There's another man that was there by my side to every and I mean EVERY procedure, chemo treatments and follow up visit because I was frozen with anxiety and racked with worry, He is my other rock. He's stood right there and helped me through every hurdle. I was stronger because he held me up. I can't thank you enough Wade. I love you!
 This wasn't going to be about all that but to get here you needed to know part of my journey. I was a crocheter when I was young. I made things like baby blankets, pot holders, slippers you know the usual start out stuff. I unconsciously used it then as a method to mind over matter things also. Since my cancer it became my go to and stop my mind from worrying and brought me to a place that prayer in my quieted mind felt more productive. I crocheted and crocheted and prayed and prayed, soon my stitches were worry nots and prayer knots. He busied my mind whilst healing my body.
 I am to the point that I now have 6 foot lockers full of crocheted items and just made the first step to go to market. A feeling of getting across the bridge to the other side, it feels surreal.

1 Left A Love Note :):

Cerulean Bill said...

I am very glad that you are a survivor, and that you ARE surviving. That is good!